| You have looked up high and low, And now you have found Where the poems go! Okay, so I'm a bad poet. But don't let that stop you in the way of these great C&H poems! Tranquil Tiger This tiger is sprawled So still and so flat A question arises When glancing thereat- Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank He looks more as if He was creamed by a tank! Tranquil Tiger 2 My tiger is deep In somnolent sleep Dreaming of chases remembered His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar who'll soon be dismembered The G.R.O.S.S. Song Attention! all rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. Is now called to order by the great grandiose Dictator for life, the ruler supreme, The fearless the brave, the held-high-in-esteem, Calvin the Bold! Yes stand up and hail His humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for first tiger and el presidente Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views be embraced! Oooh, G.R.O.S.S., The best club in the cosmos... Haiku Twitching tufted tail, A toasty tawny tummy, A tired tiger. The Snow Song Snow, snow! High and low! Wherever we go! Let it blow! To and fro! Hi-de-ho! Snow! Snow! Snow! Gross Passwords Tigers are mean Tigers are fierce Tigers have teeth And claws that pierce. Tigers are great They can't be beat If I was a tiger That would be neat! Tigers are nimble And light on their toes My REspect for tigers Continually grows. Tigers are perfect The e-pit-o-me Of good looks and grace And quiet dignity! Tigers are great They're the toast of town Life's always better When a tiger's around! The Snowball Prayer Oh lovely snowball, packed with care Smack a head that's unaware. Then with freezing ice to spare Melt and soak through underwear. Fly straight and true, hit hard and square, This, oh snowball, is my prayer. The 'I'm very sorry' song Here's the 'very sorry song' Won't you help and sing along? Bum bum bum I blew it! He's sorry I knew it! So sorry I'm very very sorry that I took your precious flaaggg! Just don't do it any more, you scurvy scalawaagg! Science Fiction Story The aliens came From a far distant world In a large yellow ship That blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon And entered our sky We knew they had come But we didn't know why Bright the next morning With noisy commotion, The ship moved Out over the ocean. It lowered a tube And drained the whole sea For transport back home To their galaxy. The tube then sucked up The clouds and the air, Causing no small amount Of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe We started to die "help us! Please stop!" Was the public outcry A hatch opened up And the aliens said, "We're sorry to learn That soon you'll be dead, But though you may find This slightly macabre, We prefer your extinction To the loss of our job." The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid Barney's dad was really bad, So Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said "Eat your. peas!" Barney shouted "No!" and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad And locked him in the cellar, His mom never found out where he'd gone Cause Barney didn't tell her There his dad spent his life, Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years He was sorry he'd been cruel. THE END A Quandary Mom once said she loved me Just the way I am, So I wonder what would happen If I became a clam If her son was gray and grimy Slippery and slimy An oversized hors d'oeuvre, Would mom still have the nerve? Math While lying on my back to make An angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round In view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but A hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat And hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, And though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes And pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to A platform, tied me up, And wired to my cranium A fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed Across my cerebullum, Coaxing from my brain tissue The things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, The numbers and equations, Were mechanic'ly removed In this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure, (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say, I cannot add, So ask some other kid. The Indispensable Calvin & Hobbes Poem I made a big decision a little while ago. I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential Even though it often might appear inconsequential. I must have been distracted when I left my home because Left or right I'm sure I went.(I wonder which it was!) Anyway, I never veered: I walked in that direction Utterly absorbed it seems, in quiet introspection. For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray. And that is how I got to where I find myself today. Explorers are we, intrepid and bold, Out in the wild, amongst wonders untold. Equipped with our wits, a map, and a snack, We're searching for fun we're on the right track! My mother has eyes in the back of her head! I don't quite believe it, but that's what she said. She explained that she'd been so uniquely endowed To catch me when I did things Not Allowed. I think she must also have eyes on her rear. I've noticed her hindsight is unusually clear. At night my mind does not much care If what it thinks is here or there. It tells me stories it invents And makes up things that don't make sense. I don't know why it does this stuff. The real world seems quite weird enough. What if my bones were in a museum, Where aliens paid good money to see em? And suppose that they'd put me together all wring, Sticking bones on to bones where they didn't belong! Imagine phalanges, pelvis, and spine Welded to mandibles that once had been mine! With each misassembled, the error compounded, The aliens would draw back in terror astounded! Their textbooks would show me in grim illustration, The most hideous thing ever seen in creation! The museum would commission a model in plaster Of ME, to be called, "Evolution's Disaster"! And paleontologists there would debate Dozens of theories to help postulate. How man survived for those thousands of years With teeth covered arms growing out of his ears! Oh, I hope that I'm never in such manner displayed, No matter HOW much to see me the aliens paid I did not want to go with them. Alas I had no choice. This was made quite clear to me In the threat'ning tones of voice. I protested mightily And scrambled cross the floor. But though I grabbed the furniture, They dragged me out the door. In the car, I screamed and moaned. I cried my red eyes dry. The window down, I yelled for help. To people who passed by. Mom and Dad can make the rules And certain things forbid, But I can make them wish that they had never had a kid. Now I'm in bed, The sheets pulled up to my head. My tiger is here making Zs. He's furry and hot. He takes up a lot Of the bed and he's hogging the breeze. Christmas Eve On window panes, the icy frost Leaves feathered patterns, crissed & crossed, But in our house the christmas tree Is decorated festively With tiny dots of colored light That cozy up this winter night. Christmas songs, familiar, slow, Play softly on the radio. Pops and isses from the fire Whistle with the bells and choir. My tiger is now fast asleep On his back and dreaming deep. When the fire makes him hot, He turns to warm whatever's not. Propped against him on the rug, I give my friend a gentle hug. Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for, But I can wait a little more. A Nauseous Nocturne Another night deprived of slumber, Hours passing without number, My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay Dripping sweat and now quite certain That tonight the final curtain Drops upon my short life's precious play. From the darkness, by the closet Comes a noise, much like a faucet Makes: a madd'ning drip-drip-dripping sound. It seems some ill-proportioned beast, Anticipating me deceased, Is drooling poison puddles on the ground. A can of Mace, a forty-five, Is all I'd need to stay alive, But no weapon lies within my sight. Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping, Omnious and black, it's seeping Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! Suddenly a floorboard creak Announces the bloodsucking freak Is here to steal my future years away! A sulf'rous smell noe fills the room Heraldingmy imm'nent doom! A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray! Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles! Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! Worse, in terms of outright scariness, Are the suckers multifarious That grab and force you in its mighty jaws! This disgusting aberration Of nature needs no mitivation To devour helpless children in their beds. Relishing despairing moans, It chews kids up and sucks their bones, And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads! I know this 'cause I read it not Two hours ago, and then I got The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes. My parents swore upon their honor That I was safe, and not a goner. I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes. In the morning, they'll come in And say, "waht was that awful din We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!" Only then will they surmise The gruesomeness of my demise And see that my remains are in a heap. Dad will look at Mom and say, "Too bad he had to go that way." And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent. Mom will add, "Still, it's fitting, That as he was this world quitting, He should leave another mess before he went." They may not mind at first, I know. They will miss me later, though, And perhaps admit that they were wrong. As memories of me grow dim, They'll say, "We were too strict with him. We should have listened to him all along." As speedily my end approaches, I bid a final "buenas noches" To my best friend here in all the world. Gently snoring, whiskers seeming To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming), He lies snugled in the blankets, curled. HEY! WAKE UP, YOU STUPID CERTIN! YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?! Suddenly the monster knows I'm not alone! There's an animal in bed with me! An awful beast he did not see! The monster never would've come if he had known! The monster, in his consternation, Demonstater defenestration, And runs and runs and runs and runs away. Rid of the pest, I now can rest, Thanks to my best friend, who saved the day. The End. The Yukon Song My tiger friend has got the sled, And I have packed a snack. We're all set for the trip ahead. We're never coming back! We're abandoing this life we've led! So long, Mom and Pop! We're sick of doing what youve said, And now it's going to stop! We're going where it snows all year, Where life can have real meaning. A place where we wont have to hear, "Your room could stand some cleaning." The Yukon is the place for us! That's where we want to live. Up there we'll ge to yell and cuss And act real primitive. We'll never have to go to school, Forced into submission, By monst, crabby teachers who'll Make us learn addition. We'll never have to clean a plate, Of veggie glops and goos. Messily we'll masticate, Using any fork we choose! The timber wolves will be our friends. Well stay up late and howl, At the moon, till nightmare ends, Before going on the prowl. Oh, what a life! we cannot wait, To be in that arctic land, Where we'll be masters of our fate, And lead a life that's grand! No more of parental rules! We're heading for some snow! Good riddance to those grown-up-ghouls! We're leaving! Yukon Ho! My Mom and Dad My mom and my dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups, they now walk among us. My parents deny this, but I know the truth. They're here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Early each morning, as the sun rises, Mom and dad put on their earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks weren't legit. Their faces are lined - they sag and don't fit. The earth's gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run, wherever I go. They live by the clock. They're slaves to routines. They work the year 'round. They're almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. They're not of this earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze, And they're warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots, this one is a gem. They're bringing me up to turn me into them! The Evil Santa Poem My hands were all shaky My hands are all pale. A letter from Santa Had just arrived in the mail. It was hand written, In old fashioned ink pen It was handsomely written And dated Twelve-Ten. "Dear Calvin," it said "I'm writing because This year I've repealed My naughty/nice laws. So now I urge you: Be vulgar and crude! I like it when children Are boorish and rude. Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you,' 'Your Welcome,' Or 'Please.' Talk back to your mother! Don't do what you're told! Stick your tongue out At your Dad if he scolds. Drive everyone crazy! I really don't care. Act like a jerk Anytime, Anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The Bad girls and boys Will be, from now on, The ones who get the toys! Good little kids make Me sick, its no joke Sincerely, signed Santa ...And Then I awoke. I hate being good (Or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas I don't think I'll make it. Tyrannosaur Poem Eighty million years ago, back in the late Cretaceous, lived the great Tyrannosaur, a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epitomized the concept of killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes, with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T. Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage Mesozoic maniac! Imagine, then, the panic caused, the horror and the mayhem, when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother Howard they dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed, because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big Tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Mom: Blow your nose dear. Calvin: Ackgth! Pth! Nnggrr! ...Except me. An Ode To Tigers The zebra's stripes are lacking hues, so they don't compare to you-know-whose. Orange, black, and white is what to wear! It's haute couture for those who dare! It's camouflage, and stylish, too! Yes, tigers look the best, it's true! The Pernicious Poem This is a poem, please do as your told: Here is a bucket of water ice cold. Please take this water and dump it on me, Do not hesitate, do it ASAP! Mother's Day I was going to buy you a card with hearts of pink and red, but then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small, so, I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all. Happy Mother's Day to you. There I said it. Now, I'm done. So, how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?" Tiger Aphorisms Until you stalk and overrun You can't devour anyone. Tiger Buying Song How much is that tiger in the window? The one that does nothing but sleep? We spread him out flat in the rec room And have a new rug if hes cheap! Pooped Tiger Still and quiet feline form, In the sun, asleep and warm. His tail is limp, his whiskers drooped. Man, what could make this cat so pooped? Cooked Tiger Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep, his day is done. Lying there, t'was warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: His brain is now completely cooked! The Spider's Song Like delicate lace, So the threads intertwine. Oh, gossamer web Of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace Wild nature produces ... Ughh, look at the spider Suck out that bug's juices! |
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